What's holding you back?

Yesterday afternoon, I went to see Eat Pray Love with a few girlfriends. I loved the book and I also enjoyed the movie. And pretty much anything with Julia Roberts in it.

Here's the thing, movies and books like that remind me how important it is to slow down, even if it is just a silly little chic flick about a woman who felt lost in marriage and life and went to find herself in Italy, Thailand and Bali. I'm okay with it because part of me just might run off to those very same places if I had some kind of trust fund.

Alas, there were a few really poignant moments in the film that made me want to really soak up life as I wish it to be.

As I left the movie and walked back to my car, which was across the pedestrian bridge and past a park, I stopped a few times just to breathe in the last bit of summer and stare at the way the light hit the water and trees and the people enjoying it all. It truly felt like summer. Summer has a different attitude, there's not question about it.

Part of the movie was about letting go. Acknowledge those thoughts and feelings about whatever it is you still harbor guilt/resentment/love for, but have moved on from and think positive energy for that person/thing/situation. A while back, I decided to let go of some shit that happened back in college because IT was holding me back for a long time.

Here's the nitty gritty. Three of us (out of five girls living in a small house together) shared the newer bathroom. Once a week one of us would take turns cleaning the bathroom. One of the girls had been a best friend, the other was a high school friend of the best. One day, after not putting all my shower stuff back from a long weekend lacrosse tournament, I resorted to using the girl's razor. I know I'm not OCD, but I really don't see this as a huge crime.

Well folks, that was the tipping point. The high school friend of the best was very neat and set in her ways and therefore chose to hate me for the rest of our senior year (and beyond). The two girls essentially gave me the silent treatment for the next 6 months or so without so much as a discussion or statement of annoyance with me using the razor.

I felt alone and punished like the girl in the Scarlet Letter even though I still had two friends in the house. It was a miserable way to end college. I did finally get an apology on the night before graduation from the former best friend for giving me the silent treatment, but nothing from the other roommate. I spent a month at my grandparents cabin rejuvenating from the stressful completion of college before launching into my job search.

Even after college when I'd see her or did her a major favor last year, she never released me from that guilt. I could see it every time she ignored me or would barely answer my questions when I tried to make conversation.

Last year after I did her a big favor and got not much more than a "Thank you," I decided that I wasn't going to let this hold me back anymore. I was letting that nasty shit go. It was after all, a freaking razor. And I am not a terrible person for using it.

Do you have something that holds you back? Why do you think you deserve to hang on to those negative feelings? How will you let it go?


I truly believe that getting this stuff out in the open no matter how guilty you or the other person were, is healthy and helpful for others to read and for ourselves to slowly release the hold that guilt or pain has over you.

And for more reading:
Second Skin recently told the Bad, Ugly and Really Ugly of a friendship gone awry.

The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin which often offers tiny thoughts in her posts about how to become more focused, happy, the person you were meant to be. It's also easy because she does v logs requiring those of us too lazy to read, the opportunity to just sit and listen!

Makeunder My Life's recent post on What to do when you don't know your purpose (yet), which I personally connected with. Some great ideas for living a life with purpose and surrounding yourself with the things and people you need.

*Okay, time for bed! I'm going to go read a BOOK! Halleluiah. Currently reading: This Charming Man

Comments

Heather C said…
It's sad to think how unhealthy friendships affect girls in the late teenage/early 20s years. Things so quickly become "dramatic" and spiral downward. I can't believe that a Razor would shake anyone like that, but (in my opinion), it probably worked out better for You. Meaning, they were out of your life (as "friends") soon after college, no longer bringing you down. :) In my experience, people like that don't change much with age, and no one needs that around.

Thanks for all those links! Looks like some good reads that I'm eager to check out...
I read a book last fall that had this graet quote about forgiveness/letting go of things from your past. I have been meaning to do a blog post about... this is the quote:

"We are chained to that which we do not forgive... Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. you must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is."

I have it saved as a note in my blackberry as a reminder to myself on why it's important for me to let go of things that have hurt me in my past. It's def way more easier said than done, and I still struggle with it. But I know I am not doign myself a favor by holding onto these past hurts.

I went to the movie last Thursday night and really enjoyed it. There is a part where the Texan talks to her about how her head is so full of thoughts that circulate - and that really resonated with me. Like right now, I keep thinking about everything that happened over the last month with E. And it's not helping. I will never make sense of it. He is deserving of my forgiveness, but I need to forgive him for being a complete a-hole so I can move on...

And that is really too bad about your college experience... All of that over a razor? Yikes. I can't imagine how isolating that experience must have been for you. There are few things worse than the silent treatment...
Amber said…
Oh no, that sucks :( I TOTALLY get where you are coming from because I HATE being in fights with friends or have people mad at me. HATE it. I am a people-pleaser!

I'm glad you decided to let go!

I'm going to that movie tomorrow afternoon. I'm excited!!
Linz said…
I'm anticipating "letting go" (or possibly facing head-on!) some controversy from my past. Next month I attend the wedding of a high-school-best with whom I had an ideological fall-out (about marriage, of all things!) during college. It's been plaguing my conscience for about 5 years and I'm personally hoping to clear the air.

I really enjoyed reading Eat Pray Love - have you read "Committed"?
Thanks for all the feedback, ladies! Letting go of these things is so soothing for us and allows us to grow.

Lisa-I love love love that quote!

Linz_I haven't read Committed, but will put it on my "to read" list.
This post spoke to me a lot. Since I will be coming back to college in a few weeks I'm trying to simplify my life when I get there. Not get angry at a sorority sister for a quirk or get too tense about a deadline.

The only thing that may be holding myself back from these goals is my past. I get so focused with school work I forget about everyone else around me sometimes.

Anyways, I love your blog. I found it through the Healthy Living Blogs and saw that you are in Eugene. I go to college at the UofO

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