The fat kid

You know, I've started a post like this in my head for a while, but the right words just never seemed to bubble up. But just a few minutes ago I saw a picture on a friend's myspace from a bbq a few years ago that made me go "EW!" and the ugly thoughts reared their way back into my life.

For a long time, maybe fifth grade through freshman year of high school I was the fat kid, at least mentally and partly physically. I'm sure my mom and other nice people would say I wasn't fat just perhaps chubby. But mom, I was fat. Well, in my head anyway. I've always been athletic and super strong, being involved in everything from soccer to volleyball to track to skiing, but it wasn't until sophomore year of hs that I actually started exercising a ton and eating the right amount of the right stuff that my body was at a place I could be proud of.

The interesting thing is that while I looked "normal" I still felt and acted like the fat kid. For three more years I was running from one practice to the next, attending sporting events I wasn't a part of to take photos for yearbook or play in the pep band (yep, i was a band geek). For those few years guys took notice while I succeeded in pushing them far far away, not understanding why anyone would be interested in me. Looking back at the marked difference between that freshman year and sophomore year I don't know how I mentally didn't notice that "HELLO, you're now 30lbs lighter, it's okay to be happy and confident." But, I didn't.

Fast forward to college and this girl definitely gained her fair share of the "Freshman 15." Although I was on the lacrosse team and went to the gym pretty regularly, frat parties, late nights and an abundance of dorm food made it too easy to get too soft. And again I found myself in fat kid mode both physically and mentally. Everything I put on looked awful and I just cringe seeing pictures of my arms. And guys, I didn't date a single one in those four years. Granted, it wasn't THAT bad, but when you're critical and you're a photo snob and you have fat kid's bad.

Life since college has allowed me to find a balance in food and exercise and all the rest where I finally feel like "okay, this is good and healthy. Let's just keep it here and no one gets hurt." But when I come across the old photos I just want to trash every single one that reminds me of how uncomfortable I was with those rolls and the extra padding. And then I realize that I can trash and shred the pictures, but mentally can't seem to shake myself of the fat kid. As much as possible, I still try to divert conversations from focussing on me, avoid eye contact at the gym and last night it was all I could do not to ask my coach to please not take photos of me running around the track. Ugh.

Sorry, this wasn't meant to be a downer. Trust me, I'm not depressed. In fact, I'm pretty excited for the weekend for which the forecast is showing all sun. I'm visiting the fam and friends, going out for Mexican because you can never celebrate a little Cinco too early (and I just love the freaking food), watching a bunch of my friends run the local marathon and running my own 20 mile training run. Plus, my boss just said I could go home and it's 2:15 P.M. Hooray for Fridays!


DIANAB. said…
i know how you feel...

you're beautiful :O)
heatherdc said…
I totally feel ya! old pics can make ya go...Ehhhhh. Clearly you've come a long way miss Marathon-er! :) that foot better be healing, when is the race?? hope the training well!
Sassy Molassy said…
The race is May 25... a little time to heal and a lot of time in the pool doing some sexy aqua jogging is ahead of me!

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