Welcome to the brick wall

For the past 25 years I have built a sturdy brick wall around my heart and soul, to which few people are allowed entry. As a determined female, I have managed to push away every male that has been interested in me at some point or another. In every situation I have been quick to come up with an excuse as to why this won't work either in my head or out loud (you're too old, you're too young, I'm too busy, you're not my type, etc) and then proceed to run in the opposite direction. But the bottom line is, I do it because I'm scared. No, terrified. I'm terrified of being vulnerable and not being in control of a situation.

You'd think I would have had some crazy traumatic relationship that caused this, but that's not the case. For whatever reason, I have never trusted men or myself around them and therefore have managed to arrive at 25 never actually having a real relationship. I've dated a few guys here and there for a few weeks or months (two months max) at a time, but more or less I've been living the single life and loving it. That is, until I'm bored and realize how sick and tired I am of going to movies, dinner, hiking, drives to the coast, trips across the U.S., parties, races, etc ALONE. I have some great friends, but sometimes friends don't cut the mustard, especially when they're all preoccupied with their own bfs, fiances, grad schools, jobs, etc.

So, recently a coworker (who is dating a guy she met online) convinced me to join an online dating site. I'm all about trying new things so I filled out the survey. Two and a half hours and $42 later, I was officially registered for eharmony and three months of access. It's quite an interesting process. Every so often you receive an e-mail telling you to check out your new matches and then have the option of opening communication and sending them multiple choice questions OR closing communication with people you deem unattractive, uninteresting, or just plain blah.

But here lies the problem. At some point, you actually start conversing with a match in e-mail format and said match may give you his phone number and ask you to call. As this has now happened a few times and I have yet to do a thing about it, I'm feeling a little trapped. Sure, I happily signed up for this damn thing, but did I really expect that my abilities to open up to someone would somehow change just because we had been paired together by some internet site and our similar interests?

I'm beginning to wonder if I'll really go through with it. I mean sure, some of them seem nice, funny, smart, and attractive enough, but what about that instant attraction of bumping into someone at the coffee shop or grocery store? Because I'm so awful at chatting up someone I'm interested in, I've always banked (or secretly prayed) on the fact that if it's right, it will just happen naturally. But as time continues to pass me by without so much as a "hey" from the cute guy in line at Starbucks, I think I might need to give this online dating thing a real shot.