BLAH blah blah

The last three days have been exhausting. Granted, I'm not one of the athletes, but dang, being a spectator and volunteer is a rough job. With the weather in the 90s, running around from one place to another and being on my feet volunteering for over 18 hours the past few days has worn this girl out.

Last night I was really hitting the wall after going out after the races finished on Fri night. The runners met up and walked to the closest watering hole to have a few beers and laugh until 1 A.M. about our crazy crushes on the elite runners that we see fairly regularly around Tracktown. So last night, low on steam, I was talking to my friend T on the phone while icing the knee. The thing is, T and I always seem to be on the same page, which makes it easy. We were contemplating our lives and what we're doing to make them the best they can be.

We came to the conclusion (as we prob have a dozen or so times) that yes, we want to be doing something great, but what, how or where...we're just not sure. One thing I know, is that what I'm doing is not working. I mean, literally it's working (I work, I get paid, I have friends, I have a place to live, etc), but for my soul...not so much. Check please!

I'm the kind of girl that doesn't want to settle just because a job/guy/place is OK. Why settle for average when you know the potential is so much greater? Hence the reason I enjoy self help books, Oprah, training for marathons, etc. I want to leap, but I'm too afraid of the fall. At some point, I know it would probably be best for me to make that crazy leap of faith, fall flat on my face and realize that I'm capable enough to make a bad situation great. But I've been playing it safe for 25 years, so why change that now?

Because I need to. Each time we have these pep talks I feel like I'm on the diving board slowly inching my toes closer to the edge in preparation for the leap, but when that will take place, I'm just not sure. I'm too afraid of belly flopping or slamming my head into the board. I envy those who can take risks around every corner, not caring if their heart will get stomped on, knowing they'll find a job in a new city, be excited to make new friends, and go back to school for something they've always wanted to do.

When I'm reading a good book or doing yoga or training for a marathon, things seem to be better. I have a purpose, a mission to somehow better myself. These things are great, but are they great enough? While I love so many aspects of this place (running community, awesome friends, outdoors, great food, etc), I know I need to get out there and be pushed before I allow myself to get too comfortable in any one situation.

I don't really know what I'm saying, but just trying to get those toes to the edge of the diving board. Every little bit helps.


Rachel said…
Right now, I'm feeling the same way...I wish I felt like I had a purpose, something besides my job that I'm working for. It's tough.
With your diving board analogy, I'm one of those people that jumps off frequently, but only off the low board. I never even come close to the high dive but definitely like to make changes that are sometimes uncomfortable.
magda said…
Potential is something that's hard for me to get my head around, especially recently. It takes a lot of energy to get beyond the here-and-now, and while I know it will be worth it, it's still intimidating. The best thing is just to think individually, and not get bogged down by everyone else's life plans and big dreams. Hang in there ... and keep on inching!
Paula said…
I think I know exactly how you feel. A belated quarter life crisis in my case . . .

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