What I don't understand is...

how I could have made it to 25 and found myself still a child in certain ways. I'm an old soul, always have been. I'm always the reason when recklessness butts its evil head into my life or those around me. I'm the "mother hen" according to some of my friends. I was the team mom, coordinator, trip planner, organizer and peace maker of our lacrosse team at times.

And yet, I feel so young sometimes. Just call me anti-relationship. As much as I want one, I avoid them like the plague. I run hard and fast away from them and I'm finally tired of running. The tough part is admitting to those you want to potentially date that you'd like to be able to relate but see, you "sort of missed the whole dating, boyfriend, summer fling boat." Hard to imagine, I know. Am I even allowed to admit this? Does society understand that there are people out there whom we compare ourselves to that aren't actually all they seem to be?

I didn't know how to open up to guys I cared about, claimed I was picky (and still do), was afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of losing my independence and ultimately, afraid of rejection. So in turn, I rejected them one by one before they could ever get the chance to reject me.

I've used and abused power and hid behind success to avoid more relationships than I care to admit. After all, who needs love when you've got a job that keeps you busy, a few too many hobbies, push your physical limits to the max and generally seem to pull off being a well-rounded person? Me, that's who.

Comments

Rachel said…
I think too many of us can relate to this post...I didn't open up to guys until I started dating G. Even though I dated guys, I tended to tune them out and not open up to them about anything. I didn't trust them, and it was tough.
Kayla said…
I have the opposite problem - I open myself up too much and get too attached. And it always blows up in my face. I think there are so many examples of people getting really hurt by relationships that it's easy to self-protect by closing yourself off.

Where's a happy medium when you need one?
heatherdc said…
I admire that you can write/realize so much about yourself. I agree, I think a lot of us can relate to this post! Even being in a 'serious' relationship I question things a lot, and ahhhh it can get old.
magda said…
You've captured so well what it is to feel stuck between extremes--so grown up and independent, but still so vulnerable and needy. I think life's just a balance, and it's so easy to pander to just one side. Don't think you're alone in struggling for that middle ground...

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