Welcome to the brick wall

For the past 25 years I have built a sturdy brick wall around my heart and soul, to which few people are allowed entry. As a determined female, I have managed to push away every male that has been interested in me at some point or another. In every situation I have been quick to come up with an excuse as to why this won't work either in my head or out loud (you're too old, you're too young, I'm too busy, you're not my type, etc) and then proceed to run in the opposite direction. But the bottom line is, I do it because I'm scared. No, terrified. I'm terrified of being vulnerable and not being in control of a situation.

You'd think I would have had some crazy traumatic relationship that caused this, but that's not the case. For whatever reason, I have never trusted men or myself around them and therefore have managed to arrive at 25 never actually having a real relationship. I've dated a few guys here and there for a few weeks or months (two months max) at a time, but more or less I've been living the single life and loving it. That is, until I'm bored and realize how sick and tired I am of going to movies, dinner, hiking, drives to the coast, trips across the U.S., parties, races, etc ALONE. I have some great friends, but sometimes friends don't cut the mustard, especially when they're all preoccupied with their own bfs, fiances, grad schools, jobs, etc.

So, recently a coworker (who is dating a guy she met online) convinced me to join an online dating site. I'm all about trying new things so I filled out the survey. Two and a half hours and $42 later, I was officially registered for eharmony and three months of access. It's quite an interesting process. Every so often you receive an e-mail telling you to check out your new matches and then have the option of opening communication and sending them multiple choice questions OR closing communication with people you deem unattractive, uninteresting, or just plain blah.

But here lies the problem. At some point, you actually start conversing with a match in e-mail format and said match may give you his phone number and ask you to call. As this has now happened a few times and I have yet to do a thing about it, I'm feeling a little trapped. Sure, I happily signed up for this damn thing, but did I really expect that my abilities to open up to someone would somehow change just because we had been paired together by some internet site and our similar interests?

I'm beginning to wonder if I'll really go through with it. I mean sure, some of them seem nice, funny, smart, and attractive enough, but what about that instant attraction of bumping into someone at the coffee shop or grocery store? Because I'm so awful at chatting up someone I'm interested in, I've always banked (or secretly prayed) on the fact that if it's right, it will just happen naturally. But as time continues to pass me by without so much as a "hey" from the cute guy in line at Starbucks, I think I might need to give this online dating thing a real shot.


James said…
Reading posts like this always make me a little bit relieved. Clearly a smart, intelligent and good looking individual (unless that photo is not of you) has the same woes with dating as I do.

I've always had to be 99% sure of someone before I start dating, which has resulted in me stupidly passing up possible opportunities. Sometimes it's not the person but the circumstances - like "I can't, I work with them", "I can't, I live with them". Yet how many people in long term relationships tell you they met in these circumstances...loads.

Anyway I'd say go for the internet dating, but approach it with a little bit of fun too. It doesn't have to be serious from the start. You don't have to hand over your soul on the first date. Ha...here's me giving dating advice!
heatherdc said…
I went bowling last weekend with a group of friends and one of them brought a guy she met through online stuff. They had a lot of fun! and he totally kicked our butts as far as the scoring..ehhh not so good at bowling. :)
Candice said…
I love you, you are so real and I admire the shiz out of you girl. I just had to say that Sassy. Glad we met!
magda said…
I think most people (well, at least girls) have felt this way at some point. It's very brave of you to write about it so openly!

Speaking as someone who's been in a relationship for about a year, which came after several long years of chosen single-ness with only intermittent dating and pseudo-boyfriends, really only go full-force if it's what you want. Don't look for someone because you should, or you're lonely--look for a relationship because you care about the person.

I've never tried online dating, but my best friend from college did when we were both in grad school--and she's marrying one of her matches this May! Keep an open mind, and an open heart. The bottom line, though, must always be truth to yourself. Best of luck!!
Just Jamie said…
OMG Sassy!!!
We're are doing the exact same thing! I have been staring at this guys profile trying to decide if I'm actually going to "email" him. I'm scared out of my mind! What do I say? What if I have to talk to him on the phone? What if I do & he decides he doesn't like me?

It's all too much. I'm going to have to put a hold on it. Plus- I am technically still married even if my husband doesn't act like it.

It's so scary, I am totally feeling you. Plus, I've already been rejected by the 2 guys that I thought were hot. All of the others, eh. I am apparently not very attractive to the online dating community.
Stefanie said…
I tried Match.com a few years back, met one guy, dated him for 4-5 mo and that was that.
It's definitly an interesting way to meet someone and why not put yourself out there and see what happens... I'm interested to her some stories; hopefully good ones. :)

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